The Winds of Change Are A-Blowin'.

First off: The drawing you presented in your last post is awesome. One of my favorites that you've posted so far, both composition-wise and content-wise. The one thing that I'd say is that compositionally, big shape wise it's really simple - divided mainly between the single-value foreground and the single-value background, which makes it lack a little depth. It communicates VERY clearly, so as an illustration it's pretty much good to go, but to get it more to that 'fine art' place I might just add some larger patches of dark-dark values to the foreground, to create three layers of depth instead of two. That little patch of bush/leaves in the lower left corner is pretty much what I'm thinking of - maybe if you add a little larger spots of black in the tree foliage as well. You sorta have EVERY SINGLE THING in the drawing with a pretty severe highlight on it, and I think that maybe if you tone that down in some of the darker places, you can add depth. It'll lose some information, but not necessarily detail, especially since there'll be plenty of other very wonderfully detailed spots in the piece still. (These observations are about as nitpicky as it gets. I'm sure you understand).

So then. My life. My grandfather has successfully beaten his cancer battle. My grandmother, on the other hand, is nearing what seems to be the end. She was in the hospital for about five weeks, and is now back at home on hospice care. My mom and sister have moved in with her so they can be with her pretty much 24/7. I am spending every day off that I can with my family in SJ. To further my observations on death from my last post, there have been a couple things that have really struck me while spending time with my grandma.

First, I truly believe that death itself is NOTHING to be afraid of. I have no clue what comes after life ends, but this is something that I believe absolutely to be true in my heart. There is nothing to be afraid of. Fear itself exists only in the minds of the living. However, what is absolutely excruciating to experience, and for me to witness, is the pain that one must often endure before they die. My grandma is in serious, relentless pain, and all I want is for her to not feel that anymore. I hope that her physical pain is at least eased by the fact that she has a room full of people that love her very, very much at all times. I think that in witnessing all this, though, it makes me frustrated with our system of forcing people to prolong their life as much as possible, and makes me think more seriously about euthanasia, as least as an option. If somebody wants to fight it right up until the end, by all means, let them. But when someone is ready to go, has made the choice in their hearts that they are prepared to move beyond the pain, I think that they have the right to die with as much dignity as possible, and should be awarded a well-deserved respect for accepting and welcoming whatever it is that comes after the paths of life have been well-worn.

And this brings me to my second observation. My grandma is very afraid of death, mainly because she wants very, very badly to still be alive. This is probably the hardest thing of all to witness. She has known for long time now that she has had terminal cancer. But she has denied herself the reality of her own death - has prolonged the thought as much as possible, and even allowed herself a little glimmer of hope that maybe she'll get through it all. Now that it's obvious that death is coming, she is scared, and sad, because she loves life so much. This is so hard for me to watch because I honestly don't have any answer or belief or conviction or clue how to justify or pacify it (not like she's looking to me for answers anyway). At some point, maybe it is best just to accept death, and welcome it - I certainly believe it to be true, especially since I believe it is nothing to be afraid of - but how can one possibly do that? It is true, life is absolutely worth living. Life is valuable to us. The real fear, as I see it, stems from the fact that no one can be sure how valuable death can or will be for them, and they want badly to hold on to the only things that they can truly quantify as valuable, all of which exist in the living world.

Through all of this, the slow trickle of my artistic productivity has dried up completely. This is not helped by the fact that I discovered a couple weeks ago that I have tendonitis in both legs in the hamstring tendons. I'm pretty sure that the injuries stem from that ride I took up Mt. Diablo all the way back in frakking January, because the pain began about a week after that - it just didn't really get noticeably bad until about a month ago, since I haven't done any serious rides since then. In any case, I'm off my bike until August, and I'm taking large amounts of ibuprofen to reduce swelling as well as icing my legs on a strict daily basis, as prescribed by Nurse Jessica.

I've been talking with David, the wood sculptor whom I rent my studio space from, and he is very understanding and completely okay with my current lack-of-studio-time situation (i am paying him after all, but I felt bad because I'm taking up a sizeable portion of his own studio space). In any case, I am still very determined to at the very least finish the long term projects I have started before rethinking my studio situation.

And the latest development in my life is that I have a second job at a bike shop, as you have probably noticed from my facebook statuses! For a while now, my situation with my job at Semifreddi's has been changing from a 'meh, at least I'm paying the bills' situation to a 'this job sucks and my life is going nowhere' situation, and I've been thinking a lot about how to change that. I actually was on the verge of quitting about a month ago, I even told my manager, but she was actually really understanding and suggested that I should just start looking for other stuff and let her know if I found something. The problem is that I had had NO IDEA what kind of change was needed in my life. Should I try to scale back my hours even more, and focus on my art? Should I start actually getting serious about trying to be an illustrator? Should I just try to find another job that makes me a little happier, and might add a little more mental energy to the rest of my art-filled day? Or should I just give up on the art thing for a while, and focus hard-core on something else that I love just to get the most out of my twenties?

Well, the answer as usual just sorta fell out of nowhere as I ended up talking to a bike mechanic named Elizabeth in Semifreddi's the other day, mainly just asking what qualifications would help me to secure a position at a bike shop. Next thing you know, I have an interview at Wheelgirl on San Pablo. I'm pretty much just doing cash register retail stuff for now, but I'm excited to be around knowledgeable people that I can hopefully bug all day with questions. I have no idea where this is taking me, but I think for the time being I'm scaling back the art stuff (not completely, I still plan on getting to the studio when I can), start saving some more money with the second job, and hopefully get a little more into the bike/work thing, which I believe will make me a lot happier over the next few years as I continue to figure out what the hell I'm doing with my life. More than anything, I think that having this job is going to settle my mind down a little bit, and I won't be waking up every morning with the question burned in my skull, "where are your ambitions headed today, Daniel?" - even if it's just more retail work for now.

Muzak!
The Melvins - Nude With Boots, Houdini, Stoner Witch
The Who (No particular album - but mainly the songs Pinball Wizard, Quadrophenia, The Real Me, and Won't Get Fooled Again over and over again)
Radiohead - Amnesiac (Pyramid Song has been blowing my mind anew lately)
Big Business - Mind the Drift (so far, my opinion stands at: Not as solid an ALBUM as Waterworks, and not really a step forward in any way, but neither is it a regression or step in the WRONG direction either - and it has some really kickass songs on it. We'll see what comes next.)
David Bowie - Station to Station, Ziggy Stardust
The Sword - Age of Winters, Gods of the Earth (The only thing I'm not a fan of with this band is the singer, but luckily like most metal the vocals are low in the mix so if you turn it up you can pretty much deafen your ears to the singing and ROCK OUT. Perfect air-guitar music.)
Roy Harper - Stormcock
Totimoshi - Milagrosa
Mars Volta - Octahedron (You pretty much know where I stand on this album for now, but this is the Mars Volta we're talking about, and I'm not just going to flush it out of my mind like used toilet paper. I'm gonna listen to it 80 frakkin' times before I really decide it's not my cup of tea, and by then they'll have released a new album that totally blows my mind into pieces and I won't mind one way or another).
Bibio - Ambivalence Avenue
Isis, in general - I went to see Isis the other week with Nyk and it was one of those 'reaffirmation of faith' type things. It made a lot of Isis' tried-and-true stuff sound fresh and invigorating all over again. And that new album is killer.

Also, this is the album art for the Sword album "Gods of the Earth":


That is quite possibly the most epic album cover I've ever seen.

Paper and Ink!
-4,195 pages of Harry Potter in a little under three weeks
Vernor Vinge - A Fire Upon The Deep
Murakami - Kafka on the Shore
Asimov - Foundation's Edge
In queue: Asimov, Foundation and Earth; Vernor Vinge, The Peace War; Raymond Chandler, The Big Sleep

Also, I recommended Cowboy Bebop to you a while ago, and I still do if you haven't checked it out. So good. I definitely want to check out Tekkon Kinreet, it sounds pretty awesome. I think the philosophical exposition in anime is a bit of an acquired taste - it's not really bad, as long as it's done well and actually means something. The problem only arises when it's integrated poorly or the philosophical preaching starts bordering on pretentious/self-righteous.

The mongrel cat came home, holding half a head.

For obvious reasons this blog lay dormant for the month of May but I do believe it is time to get things rolling once again. Today was a particularly lazy day, I awoke with sound intentions to be productive but couldn't muster up the will as the day went on. Lately I've been incredibly busy, my past 4 weekends were devoured by work and social obligations and  now my schedule looks to be booked well until the middle of July. I must note that strewn in there some where was a completely wasted weekend spent watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, but I'm considering that i productive endeavor. I might as well not even consider the last 2 weekends in July as being open, considering that i will most likely be packing and moving. So i've accepted today as a much needed day of lazing about. The worst part about all of this though, is that ever since returning home i've had a near irrepressible urge to create. A predicament wouldn't you say so? here i find myself motivated with a stock pile of ideas but little time to make them a reality. 

More specifically I'm feeling the urge to paint again. It's just that don't have the free hours to sit down and begin a painting. I'm unable to start a painting during the week, i mean with 3 or 4 hours after work i just can't get myself into the mental space required to start a large scale work. Ideally i would like to sit down for a full weekend, make a fair amount of progress at which point i can then sit down for 4 hour sessions and bring up specific parts. I don't want to give the impression that i've given up creative pursuits because I'm not afforded the necessary amount of time.  Rather I'm just voicing my frustrations at having to repress my urges to paint.

My trip stateside gave me a renewed perspective on life in Japan, more specifically it made pressing the reality that there is life after JET. Especially here in Japan it's easy to justify ignoring the future for the sake of living in the present and making the most of the experience. But as is quickly becoming my favorite theme in these blog posts, it's about balance. I obviously wouldn't be doing myself any good just concentrating all of my energies on the future and allowing this opportunity to pass by. The good thing is, is that I'm not just drifting aimlessly i know what i want to do after JET. I've known before i even came, now it's just making a concentrated effort to get to that goal. Like i mentioned while we were musing about  life on the beach, I feel that i have the potential to make this aspiration of mine a reality, its just that that potential needs to be harnessed properly. If i continue as i was, dappling for a few hours hear and there, all my artistic endeavors will ever amount to is a hobby, a mere side interest. 

So what am i doing about it you ask, besides whining about not having enough time? Well i did complete a drawing a few weeks back . It was after the completion of this drawing that i determined it was time to paint again . I've been laying out compositional thumbs for the Many ideas i have.  What's interesting in looking at all the ideas i have on the table is the diversity of themes I'm addressing. I mean some are fun and whimsical, some are serious, dark even and others are serene. This current body is  much more varied thematically than my previous work and i think it is a reflection of a healthier physical and emotional state. Further one of the reasons i'm so eager to start painting is i want to see these ideas realized. I think they can best be described as Japanese in content but through lens of westerner whose is stylistically influenced by traditional european art. Yes i know it's kind of a vague artist statement, but looking at my previous drawing of the Geisha, I think you can glean what I'm trying to say. Since i don't have the time to start a full a painting, I'm working on smaller studies for one of the larger pieces I'm hoping to start in the coming weeks. 

Another thing I'm making a conscious effort to do is to allot myself both a drawing day and a 4 hour period of messing about. It's a way for me keeping things fresh and not get to product oriented. I'm looking for a life drawing session but thats been difficult, as japan doesn't have as much of a history in classical drawing as other places. Needless to say both my drawing and painting skills are rusty. I've lost a bit of the fluidity and ease with which it used to come. So it's taking a bit more effort, but I'm not discouraged. So thats a bit on the artistic front. 

As for life, my only particular quarrel at this moment is how busy things are other than that i have nothing to complain about. I mentioned how much I'm enjoying life here and i don't see that changing anytime soon. The idea of a third year is still a thought that I'm toying around with. Currently the weather is  warming up here on top of that it's the rainy season, which is interesting cause being a Californian i'm not used to heat, humidity and rain. I took a rather interesting stroll in the rain the other day, not paying any mind to how soaked i was getting because it was so hot anyways. I'm looking forward to moving in August, i'm interested to see how i'll respond to living in such a small village. 

Oh one final thought, i was reflecting on our trip to the Santa Cruz. I find it interesting how the beach tends to illicit simultaneously insightful contemplation/conversation and childlike play. 

Auditory Stimulus:

The Mars Volta- Octahedron 

Dredg- The Pariah, The Parrot and The Delusion 

Why?- Alopecia 

Radiohead - Hail to the Thief 

Do make Say Think - Winter Hymn, Country Hymn, Secret Hymn

King Crimson - Red

The Walkmen- You & Me

Currently Perusing the words (and pictures) of:

Vladimir Nabokov - Lolita 

Albert Camus- The Stranger

Taiyo Matsumoto- Tekkon Kinkreet 

Perhaps i mentioned this already but Tekkon Kinreet is a Manga (not your ordinary manga mind you). The artist was influenced by european comic artists. The story is about Two orphans Black and White and how their relationship is affected by the ever changing city around them. It's graphically violent, fantastical yet not overly, insightfully explores the darkness that exists inside us all (cliche wording) and the relationship  between the two lead characters is endearing. If you don't have to time read the 684 page english translation, check out the movie. The animation is spectacular,  and the story translates really well. Although i've noticed a trend in Japanese Anime (example Neon Genesis Evangelion) to become increasingly philosophical as they near the conclusion. It's not so much that i mind the philosophizing, but rather how it's handled. It could be evenly paced but instead the execution seems under-thought and consequently these philosophical conclusions seemed forced. It happens a bit toward the end of Tekkon Kinreet (the anime particularly) but is no where near as aggravating as the final episodes of Evangelion. Check it out if you have time. You also recommended an anime to me that and i'm trying to recall the name, but failing...

OVER AND OUT