What it means to be fully human is to strive to live by ideas and ideals...

 Where to start… that's the problem I always seem to face when  fail at maintaining communications. It’s not so much that I’m at a loss for what to say, but rather there are too many things I’d like to address and don’t know how to structure things appropriately. I often feel that living in a foreign country is doing harm to my English speaking and writing abilities, I fear that the next time we speak in person you might consider me a layman. When speaking with people I find it increasingly difficult to articulate and when writing I find it takes me far longer to come up with something coherent.  But then again I am prone on occasion to exaggerate things, and while using simple English on a daily basis is probably affecting my vocabulary, perhaps the effect it’s not as drastic as I make it out to be.

So it’s fall now, while many might consider it a melancholy season I have to say that it is my favorite time of the year. The still warm days yet cool nights, the leaves turning color and blanketing the landscape in hues of red, orange and yellow, the air  (though I can’t really articulate what it is about the air) There is something about these natural changes that make me feel oddly at ease. Which I welcome openly considering how tumultuous of a summer I had. 

I think the last time you (or anyone reading these posts) and I had a serious conversation was back in July, right as I was preparing to move. Well, the move, as moves tend to do threw my balance out of alignment; regrettable because I was just gaining momentum with my artwork. So, to coincide with my moving to a new house, I switched jobs and also a good many friends who I had the pleasure of meeting over the past year wrapped up their tenure on the JET program.  As you might infer it was quite a transition period, I would say it was more difficult than the initial transition from America to Japan. The fact that I was mentally prepared for leaving America and coming to Japan probably has something to do with it, I mean I left on my own terms and had the opportunity to tie up loose ends and say my goodbyes. This situation wasn’t on my terms, I didn’t want to leave my old position, nor my old housing, nor did I realize how much the people I’ve met over the past year have helped to shape this experience.

 July 20^th-August 1^st was a shock to my system.  It was filled with driving back and forth carrying multiple loads to my new place, giving goodbye speeches and parting ways with the students who had really become a huge part of my life over the past year. In Addition to that I was meeting friends for their goodbye dinners, helping other people pack and cleaning my old apartment. July 30^th I cleaned my desk out said goodbye to my co-workers, handed over the key to my apartment and headed into the mountains for my first evening at my new home.

So there I am,  in a rather larger 3 bedroom house with the bulk of my meek belongs packed into boxes. As I sit there on the ground in the dark listening to the sparse sounds of the countryside at night this huge wave of grief just enwraps me. I felt like as if I wanted to weep. .  I don’t think it was any one thing that had occurred over the course of the previous week that initiated the influx of emotions. Rather I think it was just a continual build up. It was strange because I hadn’t felt that much sorrow in a long time, it’s as if for the longest time now I’ve had these breaker walls up to keep intense emotions at bay and after days, months years even the steady thrashing of the waves finally eroded those defense mechanisms.  I felt this immense distance between those that I love and cared for. 

I really started thinking about the person that I am, not in the typical introspective way, but rather in how others might perceive me as a friend, As a human. Not in the sense of appearance or trivial shallow matters. But I pondered what traits I value in a person, in a friend and asked myself do I fulfill those traits that I desire in friendship. I’ve grown beyond moping and feeling sorry for myself, so I didn’t really wallow in this I came to the conclusion that I could be a better person, when it comes to how I handle those around me.  But that’s the nature of life, growing, assessing and reassessing; I mean we’re striving for ideals here. In reference to my friends at home, I also very much realize that by nature of circumstance, I can’t stay in touch with everybody I’ve ever known. And I just have to have confidence that despite diverging trajectories at some point or another I will coverage with those that mean something to me. It would deprive“ me of the experience at hand if I even began to try because in the end, the only way we can measure the significance of our own lives is by valuing the lives of others. “

The weeks following the move were spent living out of boxes adjusting to my new work environment. It amazes me how much shit one can amass over the course of a year. The brunt of that shit being comprised of my studio equipment. Over the course of the month my frame of mind transitioned from dwelling on what was to the possibilities of this new environment. As I walked the narrow streets at night, said hi to the local storeowners, made wry faces and gawking children, I came to appreciate, the quaint atmosphere of my new home. The sense of isolation subsided and after there came a calm;  A renewed clarity and with it a wave of inspiration.  

 

But I’ll save that for the next post, which will hopefully be much sooner.  I Hope all is well stateside my friends. I miss you guys and look forward to the next time we can sit beside one another, imbibing fine ale and musing about our journeys. Whenever that time comes to pass.

 

Auditory Treats: The Ocean-Precambrian, The Veils- Sun Gangs, Wild Beasts- Two Dancers, Steely Dan- Can’t buy a Thrill, Massive Attack- Mezzanine

 

P.S. I mentioned our blog to Erek and he seemed interested in posting.  I’m not an administrator on the account (or perhaps just inept at blogging), but could you, Dan, please send him an invite.