Brisk Walks and Impending Doom.

I agree with Daniels last post, this place can/should be a place of catharsis, an open source diary or journal of sorts where you know that people who care are reading.

So to start off, something I haven't been talking to anyone about but should be.
My parents split up. My mom moved out earlier this week, and let me know in a text message of all things. Starting at about November I noticed a shift in their interactions. They didn't seem to want to be in the same room as each other, but my mom seemed intent on putting on a facade of "normality". Thanksgiving was quite, heavy. The tension in the air was palpable, with my dad not hiding any of his feelings and my mom trying to hide all of hers, while the "whole" family was together. My has Dad been pretty upfront about what has been going on, and in a weird way its brought us closer together. My mom has been more and more distant, choosing to only communicate with me through text messages and emails and being incredibly aloof about her whereabouts on a daily basis. I still don't know where she even moved to. She hinted at her sisters but never put that into any factual realm.

For me this is weird to say the least. I don't really know how I am feeling about it all. Part of me is seeing it as a young adult, seeing my parents as people with their own problems, not my parents. Another part of me is 5 years old with all the ideas and foundations I sort of structured my life with, being ripped out from underneath me. This sort of like, "well have things always been bad?" feeling. How much of my ideas about communication and romance and relationships and family are wrong? Am I a bad communicator? Am I a poor learner? Am I a stubborn ass like my father? Do I bottle up all my emotions and run away like my mother?
I don't feel like I have enough the space to answer these questions let alone the emotional wherewith all to answer them myself. I'm feeling pretty alone and isolated recently. Taking to listening to lots of music and playing guitar a lot.

I don't know how I am feeling, its just nice to spill. Thanks for reading guys.
I feel like I could use you now more then ever a beer and a floral couch, maybe some radiohead filtering in from another room... but I also feel like that is too much backpedaling... maybe beer in a Japanese apartment building with some Baroness floating in, heh.

Recent Distractions
Four Tet - There is Love in You
It may be my current mood/emotional state, but, this album is amazing.
Definitely a "headphones" album if you know what I mean. A personal journey taken late at night or early in the morning on a bus, fog still clinging to the mountains like cobwebs, sun waking up. I have very rarely listened to an album end over end repeatedly in the past couple years, the last one being probably...I don't know...
It just pulses with a life, digital artifacts and all. I recently started playing with one of the programs Keiran Hebdan uses "Audio Mulch" its a lot of fun.

Melvins - Pick Your Battles '89/08
This came with a comic book I bought by Brian Walsby called Manchild.
Its one half live recording from 89 in Berkeley at the Gilman, and one half live recording done in Boston at the Paradise club. I think the Melvins have become my favorite band. A lovely blend of good chops, great song writing, heaviness and fun. Taking themselves both too seriously and not seriously at all. The early recordings paired with the new ones makes a nice contrast. Going from a 3 piece, to the 4 piece/2 drum monster-machine they have become. The record ends with Boris, which along with probably Hooch, are pretty quintessential Melvins tunes. A nice culminaton of things.

Readings
Two Gentlemen of Verona and A Midsummer Nights Dream by William Shakespeare
I felt like reading these after reading the Two Gentlemen of Lebowski, heh.
Philip K Dicks - Valis
Auldous Huxleys - Brave New World
Virginia Woolf - A Room of One's Own

2010. Really.

It's been a full six months since my last post, which found me musing on death as it was written very shortly before my grandma's life was overtaken by lung cancer. Considering the content of these past six months of my life, I've found it harder and harder to succinctly sum up the emotional state that I've found myself in.

Now it's a new year, and it's time to tackle the issue. I've considered this blog to be strangely therapeutic. It strikes a good balance between being available publicly, but mainly viewed (I think) by close friends that I know well - it's a journal entry that other people can see. It allows me to filter through and organize my thoughts, mark them down in a definitive way, and in so doing allows me to understand what's truly important to me at the moment.

So, here goes: in July 2009 my grandma died. The first half of the year was pretty much completely focused on my grandma's health, since it so immensely concerned my immediate family and all the goings on with all of us. Her death, as can be imagined, was particularly hard on my mom, which was hard for me to witness and react to properly. I felt so helpless during the whole thing, especially watching my mom and my sister get all nurse-like and take care of my grandma - and my dad in the mean time kept the household pretty much stabilized, helping out with whatever needed doing while my mom focused entirely on her dying mother. Meanwhile I was working full time in Oakland, sans car and plus leg injury - all I could do was get down to San Jose whenever I could and be there 'emotionally'. It was almost like I was there just for a sense of completeness - the family was 'together'.

Which is fine. It was all I could do, and I understand that. But it got me thinking a LOT about my family, and how much they mean to me. It's impossible not to think morbid thoughts when you watch someone die over a period of months - and the irrepressible image that kept sticking with me was one of any of us, my parents, my sister, or me - being sick, and dying, and how the other three would react to that. In a way the image was comforting, because I know that we would drop everything and be there for each other and do whatever we could. But it made me realize that I always want to be around for my family; they are, by far, the most important thing to me.

Part of this realization was the realization of an ambition of mine - I want to be capable of helping those that I love. This can be taken as very literal - if something happens to any of my friends and family, I want to be able to be there and help in whatever way I can. But I also mean it in a more vague, figurative sense: my growth as a person is not just for me, but for those around me. I would like to view myself as a support beam in a much larger structure, at all times, and try to take into consideration what my own strength as a human can contribute to a larger framework - beginning with my family and friends. I want, at all times, to strike a balance between myself, my ego, my individuality, and what my unique perspective can contribute to community on any given level.

This may seem like a bunch of lofty bullshit, but it isn't to me, and in fact I think it's more a realization of natural tendencies within myself than anything else. I've always felt supersensitive to the opinions of those around me. When I was younger this manifested itself as social awkwardness and serious self-esteem issues, and I ended up walling my emotions off and becoming very inward and selfish as a result. My 'ambition' as stated in the previous paragraph is really a mindset I've been slowly developing over the last few years as a way to cope with how sensitive I am to the opinions of others in the healthiest way that I can - a way to balance my own wants/desires/opinions with the constant influence I receive from other people, and reflect all of that back to others in what I hope to be a constructive dialogue. If I am to have a New Year's Resolution, this would be it.

I have had tendinitis in my hamstrings for more than a year now. This has been another major element in my emotional state, as it has hampered my mobility, my livelihood, and my goals in a major way. It has been incredibly trying on my patience, and has pretty much singlehandedly contributed to what ended up being a fairly lonely, introspective year. It has constantly forced me to think about my own health and well being during a time when I was trying my hardest to think about others' well being, and it has temporarily taken away one growing passion in my life that had previously started to play a major role in my lifestyle: Cycling. It also, combined with my familial issues, kept me away from my art studio in Richmond for a long enough period that I eventually decided it was not worth it to keep paying rent on the place, and moved my stuff out.

In a way, I've made it harder on myself than I had to - but only in a way. Tendinitis is something that usually can heal within a month, so I'm dealing with a rather strange/severe case - and one that continues to frustrate me, as the physicians I've talked to about it do not seem quite as concerned by its longevity as I am. Before I stopped cycling and started walking as minimally and slowly as possible to allow my legs to heal, my bike was my main mode of transportation. I loved it - I was figuring out better and more efficient methods of not ever needing a car, of transporting rather heavy loads, and dealing with biking in bad weather. I loved it enough that the 'inconveniences' of not owning a car were simply challenges for me - challenges that I would eventually overcome. After I realized that I was injured and needed to stop biking, I stubbornly refused to adopt another way of being mobile, because I continue to wait for the time in which I will once again be able to ride a bike. I take the bus when I need to, which sucks, and I walk when I have the time to (and I need a LOT of time, because I walk at about a fifth the speed that I used to). All in all, it's way harder for me to get around, and I've been having to ask for a lot of rides if I ever want to see friends. I can't stay out late, because the buses stop running at night. And in some aspects, my life just feels like it's in limbo, as I wait for my legs to heal and for my 'normal' lifestyle to resume itself - which should have happened some time mid-last year, so at this point I'm not even bothering to estimate at what point that will actually happen.

Through all of that, I try to stay as optimistic as possible, and do what I can to work my life around the obstacles. I have since October been building up a new bike, and continue to learn more about bikes in general, which has been a great way to funnel my passion for them into different areas. My new bike is pretty much nearing complete - before it comes out of the shop I have to decide on a stack height for the stem, then get the fork's steerer tube cut down so the stem can be tightened into place with the headset. I'm taking my time with that one, since I want the handlebars to be at a really comfortable height when I take it out for extended rides, whenever that may be. And as long as I'm injured I've got all the time in the world to get it right, so there's no real rush. Patience is one thing that has been forced upon this project, which in the end will work pretty well to my advantage, methinks.

I have also reconfigured my apartment to accommodate my art studio, and I am very close to resuming last year's projects in a serious way. I'm still working on the same stuff, nothing new to report there, and the time frame is starting to seem ridiculous. But y'know what, whatever. I am still just as excited about what I have going on as I was this time last year, and just as resolute to accomplish what I set out to do when I moved into the studio in Richmond.

I quit my job at Semifreddi's in December, to start working for Actual Cafe, which is just a couple blocks from my house. Aside from being a pretty awesome space to begin with, and the fact that we serve great food and coffee, so far I'm also impressed with the passion that the owner, Sal, has used to implement his ideals and motives behind opening the place to begin with. The purpose for him is for the Cafe to strive to be community-oriented - a truly neighborhood place, one that brings people together and gets them to interact. Both the name Actual, and the main tag line "Not Just Another Wi-Fi Shack" seem a bit pretentious; the first time I noticed the place being built, before I tried to get a job there, I was a little put off by it, honestly. But Sal takes it seriously, and through getting to know him and contributing to the atmosphere myself I've realized that it is in no way a selling point or a marketing scheme. So far, it's real, and it's exciting, and it feels a lot more fulfilling to take the food service and barista skills I've acquired over the past few years and implement them towards something that interests me. It'll be interesting to see how long that lasts.

Hrrrm. Anything else? Probably, but this post is long enough as it is. I think that's enough off of my chest that the next post won't take another half-year to write. Also, thanks to Nyk and Darin for your posts - it's really great to hear the thoughts of others on here. I hope you guys post again. And I'm really glad to hear things are going so well for you, Nikko.

MUZAK:

Baroness: Red Album, Blue Record - these dudes strike an incredible balancing act between bruising anthemic quality and immense subtlety. They are quickly become one of my favorites, and are definitely one of my most played.

Beach House - Teen Dream. Yes, just, yes. This type of music is not quite my niche as much as yours, Nikko, but I feel very comfortable within it with bands as good as this.

Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion, Strawberry Jam, Feels, Fall Be Kind EP - Okay, so I've been kind of freaking out over Animal Collective lately. I now have great respect for them, and can't get enough of their albums. Initial opinion proven wrong yet again.

Vampire Weekend - Contra - The first album kinda slipped past my interest, but I've been digging this one. Kind of a guilty pleasure, almost, but not really.

Deerhunter - Microcastle

Grizzly Bear - Veckatimest

Spoon - Transferrence

Atlas Sound - Logos

Bear in Heaven - Beast Rest Forth Mouth. Ooooh yeah.

Flaming Lips - Embryonic

Stone Roses - Stone Roses

Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation

Russian Circles - Geneva

These Arms Are Snakes - Tail Swallower and Dove

Boris - Heavy Rocks

Isis - Wavering Radiant

Shrinebuilder - Shrinebuilder

WERDZ:

Murakami: After Dark

Asimov: Foundation and Earth, Prelude to Foundation, Forward the Foundation

Raymond Chandler: The Big Sleep, The High Window - this guy, if you have not heard of him, was one of the originators of hard boiled detective novels. Incredibly delicious reading that perfectly straddles the line between artful and kitschy, much like a good film noir. I read 'The High Window' the other week while I was sick, wrapped in a blanket with sheets of rain and wind rattling my window. It was amazing.

Michael Chabon: Gentlemen of the Road, Wonder Boys, The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

Vernor Vinge: A Deepness in the Sky, The Peace War

Mikhail Bulgakov: Heart of a Dog

Robert Penn Warren: All The King's Men

2010 REALLY?

What up Ballas!

I recall that the last time I posted I ended with a statement that expressed my desire to post sooner rather than later, but alas that never came to pass. This is my first post in roughly 3 months and the first of the year, given that I'm staying for a third year in this lovely albeit cold island nation I'd like to be more diligent in posting. Though I always say that only to get caught up in the flow of life; during which i often consider posting yet repeatedly fail to make good on my intentions. Speaking of intentions, aside from posting on this blog, I hit a stride towards the latter part of 2009 and was successful in accomplishing a number of my goals.

The majority of fall and winter 2009 was spent preparing for a solo exhibit in the town that I live in. In every sense of the phrase it "just fell in my lap, " which had down sides considering that I wasn't able to dictate the time line. Ideally I would have liked to have had the show this year, April 2010. That would have given me enough time (I finally started painting again in July) to create a body of work that I was proud of. Instead the people coordinating the show could only muster up dates in January. Never one to back down from a challenge and enthralled by the prospect of a deadline, I eagerly accepted. Yes, there were occasions where my eyes felt as if Satan was eradicated my retinas with the fires of hell, I saw the sunrise on more than i few occasions, and i most definitely put one or two holes in my rice paper screens ( result of rage propelled) paint brushes); all the lovely things that we put our selves through in the name of art. But in retrospect i loved every minute of it.

Starting last December I basically eased myself back into a solid routine. Since I'm far more confident in my drawing abilities than my painting abilities I focused on drawing, what would have been value studies turned into full scale drawings, I then moved onto to color studies and finally oil studies of principle components I knew would be particularly difficult. With those studies I slowly regained the confidence to move into painting. One thing I've been wanting to do since graduating was take my time on a piece and have all of the details worked out prior to diving into the painting; work through the entire process without being pressured by a deadline. It's not that i particularly would like to work this way in the future rather i felt it necessary to codify the immense amount of knowledge that i had ingested over my 4 years at CCA. I'm overwhelmed by the results, I feel that my work jumped leaps and bounds in terms of both style and execution.

In all I showed 5 pieces, 3 of which you have seen already in my blog posts. The other two are completed paintings of the drawings I have shown you. One being the of the Jellyfish now titled "Incandescent Nettles" and the other being the Fall image titled "Unravel: Falls Passage." And unravel is a bit of a nod to Bjork as the song Unravel is a favorite of mine. I also displayed a self introduction comic of sorts that utilized imagery and story telling elements so my elementary school students with there limited understanding of English could better understand the content. At this point I haven't had the opportunity to photograph the new paintings, so those will come at a later date. I also want to wrap up a couple more pieces that are in process so you can get a clearer understanding of my progression.

As I mentioned earlier I'm staying one more year, Dan was aware of this but I don't think the other readers of this blog were. One reason being is that I would like to accomplish the lofty goals I set out to accomplish. I'm planning on having a new portfolio and website up by the time I leave japan, I hope to have my loans paid off in there entirety and have a sizable sum of money saved for my return to the states. I also hope to pass the Japanese Language Proficiency Test level 2, passing would certify that I'm fluent enough with the language to hold a job in Japan. As for my loans I've been able to pay of one in full, I currently have no debt and roughly 11,000$ to pay off. Considering that i came to japan with roughly 23,000$ in loans i feel I'm in a feasible position to pay off my the 11,000 dollar sum prior to returning. As for Japanese I'm now at a conversational level, though my reading ability is still low an aspect I'll have to work on if i want to pass the JLPT 2. My intent is to finish about 10-12 pieces this year, thus completing my new portfolio. Starting January of 2011 I'll begin constructing my new website and then cramming all the Kanji in my brain that i can in hopes of passing the test held in July 2011. I hope this doesn't sound like I'm bragging, I'm just proud of my accomplishments and want to share what has come to pass as during my time in Japan; moreover, writing down my goals helps solidify there importance.

With many lonely hours spent in the student inhaling turpentine, i came to think quite a bit about my future and what to do upon returning to the states. Again, I've talked to Dan about this topic ( so, sorry Dan if this is a rehash for you.) For the past few years I've been of the mind frame that graduate school isn't a necessity for Illustrators, I still believe that the experience gained through working with clients is more valuable in the developmental course of an Illustrator. Granted I've never worked with actual illustration clients. As i sit here in my woodshed contemplating and observing the climate of the current illustration landscape, I've had my doubts about the feasibility of creating a successful career. The current media landscape is in transitioning, we all know about music, but publishing is also experiencing a paradigm shift as book sales decline, online line readership increases. With Online media being relatively free, the market can't sustain as many illustrators as it once did. Of course people are trying alternative methods of media dissemination with new price schemes, etc.... An interesting idea I've recently scene from Tor and other sources is an increase in commissioned work for online dissemination. The outcome of this transition is unclear and with all things that are so lucid it fills one a certain amount of excitement and trepidation for what's to come.

One industry in particular that still seems to be fairing well is entertainment i.e. movies and video games. So recently I've been looking into the Concept Art Atelier. It's a more traditional studio study environment akin to the traditional master and apprentice model, with emphasis on academic drawing and painting first and later moving on to the tools necessary to be a concept artist. One reasons that I'm interested in the atelier is that the courses offered educational gaps that i left CCA with: focused study on anatomy, perspective, life painting, and various digital tools. So in a sense it would round out my education. Further being able to focus on my art with out distractions is sounding more and more appealing as get deeper and deeper into my new body of work. There was a period i called "post art school syndrome" where i lost my drive to create and began to contemplate, the feasibility and my own want to pursue this career that i had just invested massive sums of money into. Currently the passion is rekindled and that is of my own doing, it is a result of my own motivation/ will power and i feel wholly content with the idea of doing this for the rest of my life.

Around the 3rd week of December I wrapped up the work that would comprise my show and on December 23rd i took off for the warmth of Thailand and Cambodia. All I'll say at this point is that the trip was amazing. Currently I'm composing a mass email that will fill you in on all of the exciting details. But i will go on to say that Project Thai Beard was in part a semi success. A full beard is still an unfeasible reality, but i can manage to muster up a somewhat full goatee.

After returning from Thailand I hung the show, I was a bit dismayed at how unclean the walls were. The discontent stems from a voice that hearkens back to my freshman year of college, Melisse Herman the presentation gestapo. As you know Dan, i say that with the utmost respect and affection. A truly great teacher. I held the opening the following Saturday and the turn out was spectacular many of my friends from around the prefecture came out to show there support as well as current and past students and co-workers. I've had a few people show interest in purchasing pieces, so well see how that pans out. After the opening i held a party, i crammed roughly 30 people into my house and we drank, danced and frolicked in the snow until the we hours of the morning. It was good fun, though i wish all of you had been there to celebrate.

I guess I'll begin to wrap this up, but i do have one final bit of information to share. In a rather unexpected turn of events I'm dating someone. Funnily enough she's not Japanese. Her name is Nancy and she is what is called an "ABC."Which i recently came to learn means an American Born Chinese. She's a sweet girl, one of the most compassionate and selfless people I've met. Odd huh, cause as you all know I'm a selfish ass. We've been dating since about mid November and things are going well. She'll be most likely leaving Japan in August and we're both aware that at that point anything that we have will dissipate. But for the time being we're enjoying one another's company.

Oh by the way Dan your new Job at the coffee shop sounds great, we'll have to share a coffee there once i get back.

Auditory Hallucinations:

Baroness- Red and Blue Albums

Loving the how this band paces it's albums the transitions from dirty almost bluesy slow compositions to ear pummeling rock. Plus they have great album art.

Midlake - The Courage of Others

They slowed it down a bit on this one, upon first listen i wasn't in the right mindset having being more in a upbeat poppy mood. Van Occupanther offered a nice balance between pop and folk so i was thinking this would be more of the same. But this is Midlake so my assumption was a bit misguided. But after a second time i fell in love with it's beautiful lush compositions. The subtle transitions and atmosphere that the album successfully carries through out is amazing, me thinks.

Yeasayer- Odd Blood

like the direction they took this album in, though i think there are a few missteps. The pacing is no where near as spot on as All Hour Symbols. I find it to be a bit front loaded and wish it was a bit longer. I had high expectations and though i wasn't let down i just find myself wanting more. Which is a good thing because I'll continue to keep my eye out for these guys.

Beach House- Teen Dream

This album is just beautiful, luscious layered keyboards and guitars with brooding female vocals, as you know it's my cup of tea.

Spoon- Transference

Spoon is typically pretty spot on with there albums, they write tight intelligent pop songs and it amazes me how simple yet effective they can be. Take for example the repeated beat box on Say Don't Go. Also there production is pretty tight so it's nice to see them loosen up a bit. They sound pretty playful on this album which i think gives it a bit more life than some of the past efforts. I don't think it's as consistent as some of there past albums but the playfulness makes up for that. You feel as if your in the studio and the band as the band is creating and we all know the creative process has it's highs and lows. And Spoons lows still make for some pretty damn strong songs in my book.)

Other albums of note:

Cymbals Eat Guitars- Why There Are Mountains

The Flaming Lips - Embryonic

Do Make Say Think- Do Make Say Think

Owen Pallett- Homeland

Maxwell- Blacksummer's Night

2009 nut shell

Thought I would highlight some music and literature that inspired me this year, hoping to spark some conversation with you fellows.

Music:
It was a pretty good year for music, some good solid releases.
Here is some of my favorites in no particular order other then how they come to me right now.

Russian Circles - Geneva (and Station)
I had heard of them before from listening to both Mogwai and Pelican, but I finaly gave these guys a good hard listen and they blew my mind. The dynamics held within this record are astounding. From the cobweb-whispering-ambient quiet to the chainsaw-on-concrete screaming loud, this album has it all. Instrumental music has always spoke to me in a way nothing else ever has, I feel like maybe because it transcends language and goes straight for expression. The way the guitar is used as both a lead instrument and as a melodic device is something I have always enjoyed experimenting with myself in my own guitar playing.

Isis - Wavering Radiant
What can I say that you guys already don't know, this album is a power house from start to finish. From the chugged guest intro by Adam Jones to the Celestial alluding riff and EPIC climax of Threshold of Transformation this album is breathtaking. I'm stunned, still.

Mastodon - Crack the Skye
This album also similiar to above. The concept as whole sort of fell apart for me, and this album turned into me listening to these songs individually apart from the whole and still being amazing. None of these songs are subpar in anyway just don't quite flow for me. Shrug.

Baroness - Red and Blue
I'm still getting my ears around these new metal fellows. I'm quite into them, they need to sink in some more.

Shrinebuilder
These guys are the pinnicle of stoner/doom metal. Absolute apex of it and it ate me whole.

Zu - Carboniferous
I still go back to this album when I feel the need for...something I can't quite put my finger on.
But its there for it and it does it wonderfully.

Them Crooked Vultures
This album, wowsers. Perfect distillation of scummy blues rock. Bass grooves for miles and drum tracks that churn. Josh Hommes filthy guitars are the perfect layer of pond growth to sit on top of this mix of amazing.

Dead Weather
I enjoyed this album quite a bit, don't listen to it much anymore, expect the last song, which is very different then the rest.

Some other new stuff I liked... Fever Ray, Bat for Lashes, Regina Spektor, Hildur Gudnadottir, Black Moth Super Rainbow, Bibio, Clark, Black Math Horseman... I'm sure I am forgetting things...

Not new stuff... Eric Clapton, Melvins, Tool (all over again), BB King, Mono, This Will Destroy You, Boris, older Isis.

Stuff
This year being my first year out of school since I was 4 I read ALOT of books (at my own pace).
Things I enjoyed...

Kafka on the Shore
Wind Up Bird Chronicles
Hard Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World
Seed to Harvest
House of Leaves
The Lovely Bones
Jitterbug Perfume
Skinny Legs and All

I am enjoying reading all over again...

Guitar/Art
Played a lot of guitar (not as much as I wanted to) but learned a lot.
Tried out some new tunings and got some fun new pedals for making ambient sound scapes with just the guitar. When I feel like I have a working sample, I'll send some to you guys.
I'm playing with names... how do you feel about these...
-Broken Ox/Leather Ox
-Solandra (variaty of Nightshade)
-Funeral Mute
-Orange Thorn/Devil Thorn
-Widower
-JR
-Tentacle
-Urushiol (the toxin in poison oak that makes you itch)


I did not draw nearly as much as I should have, but 2010 is going to be my creative explosion.

How are you guys?