Working my way out of a Vortex.

Hello Dear Friends,

So, after a long period of travel, I've finally settled back into life in Japan . I'll be sure to write concerning my travels at a later date. It's been a long time since I've written for reasons that I myself am only aware of. I'll delve into that a little bit, so you can know what's going on with me and then call it a day.

I had a really rough late spring/early summer. During that time I think i came pretty close to having a mental break down. It started with constant anxiety and eventually got so bad that i slipped into a minor depression. When i wasn't working i spent most of my time in bed, sleeping or trying to sleep. I couldn't eat as my stomach was in knots, i lost weight. I lost motivation to do anything. It was a short lived depression as i still retained the objectivity to know that whatever the fuck I was going through wasn't natural. Nor, did i have any desire to continue on in such a state. Despite kicking the depression, my mind still remained a jumble. I'll use a library as an analogy. Initially my thoughts, desires, emotions, how i understand and react to the world was catalogued in an orderly fashion. Then suddenly one of the book cases was tipped and everything came crashing down. Such an event obviously wreaked havoc on my cognitive process. And since then it's as if I've been trying to reorganize the information /my mind. Yet some how i can't seem to get everything to coalesce properly. I often fear that I will exist with this slightly skewed mind for the rest of my time. Then there are times where it seems like a veil has been lifted. At these times, I'm briefly able to process the world through the same lens that i had viewed the world through prior to my cerebral squall.

At the moment things are well, I feel like I've been thinking clearly and am able to cope with the anxiety better. Which is why in some respects i can write to you regarding my struggles. I've contemplated going to therapy. I feel i have a solid understanding of what's going on, but i frequently feel I'm not equipped with the necessary tools to properly deal with it. Being in Japan is difficult in this regard as i have very limited options regarding therapy. We'll see where things go in the following months. I'm really not comfortable delving into the reasons on such a public space and while i do consider you some of my dearest friends I'm not certain I'm willing to share in detail at this point. At some point I'm sure I'll feel comfortable talking about it.

One thing i realized though, is that i have a slightly obsessive personality. Not in the sense that my obsessions manifest into compulsions. But i can easily cling to a concept, idea, task, etc.. and obsess over it. I stumbled on a question that i couldn't answer, that i felt needed a definitive answer, and this question quickly became anxiety inducing and all consuming. If i might use the homeland security color coded sliding scale of threat, In June i probably was hovering around red on a daily basis. Now I'm at yellow.

By removing myself from my surroundings, traveling, I was able to gain a bit of objectivity. Further being with my family for a week helped ground me in reality. Well, It's time to go cook dinner. I didn't write this in hopes of inciting alarm. If i was fucking crazy i wouldn't be able to write such a cohesive post, nor could i address my cerebral squall and the aftermath so impartially. Though, if Dan leaves some comment regarding grammatical errors (i.e. commas) and how those errors affect the cohesiveness of my post, I MIGHT just start obsessing over my sanity. Well until next time. I miss you guys.